You Don't Owe Anyone Anything
For the past month or so, I have felt like the roller coaster of my sobriety has been stuck at a standstill. I'm not struggling to stay sober by any means, but I'm not riding the exciting wave of early sobriety either. I just feel stuck.
After 11 months without alcohol, I have gotten comfortable with being sober in college. I'm don't experience major FOMO anymore, nor do I spend my days hiding in my room to avoid the temptation of drinking. I am able to be in a room where people are drinking and not want to slam my head on the table.
However, these feelings of comfortability have caused me to resort back to old and familiar thought patterns of "Am I truly happier sober?" and "Was my drinking ever really that bad?
Obviously, I know the answers to these questions, but it's easy to get caught up in these thoughts sometimes. Now that I am almost a year sober, the pain of my drinking days is no longer as fresh.
However, this past weekend was just what I needed to light a fire under my ass and re-spark my motivation to stay sober. It was a weekend of ~realizing things~ as Kylie Jenner would say.
This weekend, I experienced a couple different "breakthroughs" that I want to share with you. Maybe they'll trigger a breakthrough within your own journey, or maybe you'll just find them helpful to read about.
Friday Afternoon
This past Friday, I met up with my friend, Michael. You may remember him from a blog post he wrote a couple months back (I'll link it here). Michael is 24 and over 2 and a half years sober. We connected in the past through mutual friends, but only over Instagram DMs. This past weekend, I finally got the chance to meet him in person. We grabbed coffee on Friday afternoon and talked for over an hour. All I can say is that I wish I met him sooner. Talking with Michael gave me the outlook I didn't know I needed about my sobriety. He made me realize a couple of different things...
1. Having in-person sober friends is so important.
Don't get me wrong. I love and cherish the connections I have made with people online over this past year. I don't think I'd be sober today if it wasn't for the sober/sober-curious Instagram community I'm a part of, the virtual meetings I host, and club RPG. That being said, there is something so different about talking with someone in-person who just gets it.
I feel grateful to have friends in my life who are supportive of my sobriety journey, but as long as they are not sober themselves, there will always be a disconnect. With Michael, I felt like I could say anything and be understood (ok...maybe not anything).
After doing some reflecting, I realized that my feelings of being "stuck" were coming from a place of loneliness. I live in the middle of a college town where I'm surrounded by a culture of binge drinking. I find it difficult to relate to anyone my age these days, but meeting Michael gave me new hope for the future. I feel confident that once college is over, I will have more of an opportunity to meet sober friends and I won't feel so disconnected from the people around me all of the time.
Another thing I have been worrying about lately is the thought that one day I am going to look back on my senior year of college and regret not going out more. I'm concerned that I'm going to wake up in 6 months and think, "Why the f*ck did I choose to spend that night reading rather than going to the bars with my friends?"
Obviously, this is just my anxiety manifesting itself in my thoughts. After talking with Michael, I have a new mindset moving forward about going out...
2. If something will not benefit me, if I won't find it fun, or if I won't get anything out if it...I won't go.
When I pictured my senior year of college, I pictured celebrations, partying, and a lot of alcohol. I never imagined I'd be sober or that I'd be taking online classes. This vision of what I thought my senior year would be like has been preventing me fully enjoying myself.
I need to let go of this vision of my "ideal senior year" because at the end of the day, it's not my reality. The pressure I feel to uphold this image has been the cause of my feelings of guilt when I choose to stay in instead of go out.
If I would have just taken time to stop and reflect on the reasons I felt pressured to go out, I would have realized that I mainly want to do it to prove to people I can. I want to show people that I can still be the fun, sober girl and have a good time.
But would I really have a good time? No. So why go?
From now on, I am going to be more intentional about the events I choose to go to. If it's not going to benefit me in any way, there's no point in me going.
I need to HONOR MY FEELINGS in the moment and not stress about the future. Maybe one day I will look back and regret not going out...but that's not how I feel right now. Currently, I enjoy staying in and watching a movie over going to the bars and watching my friends get drunk... and that is OKAY.
Friday Evening
On Friday evening, I spent the night hanging out with some people who were drinking. I was enjoying myself at first, but then my social battery wore out around 10pm and I wanted to go to bed.
So, me being me, I stayed up for another hour with them. As they drank more and more, the conversations became very surface-leveled. A solid 45 minutes went by and I did not say a single word because I had nothing to contribute to their conversation. I felt completely disconnected from that room, like I was watching a movie of it instead of actually being there.
I should have gone to bed, but I forced myself to stick it out. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable by choosing to leave the room. It felt awkward interjecting into the conversation that I already had nothing to contribute to, just to tell them that I was turning in for the night.
Then I thought back to my conversation with Michael and realized that...
3. I don't owe anyone anything
Sure, it might be awkward for like 2 seconds when I tell the group I'm going to bed, but who really gives a f*ck? Their conversation will return to normal as soon as I leave the room and it will be like I never even left.
I find joy in having meaningful conversations with others. When people are drinking, the conversations become very surface-leveled. It's easier to talk about drinking, drugs, other people, etc. than it is to have meaningful conversations when you're under the influence of alcohol.
I am done going to events or staying up late with friends just because I want to make them happy. Of course, there is a time and a place for everything and sometimes sticking it out is the right thing to do, but in this case, it wasn't.
From now on, if something is not providing me with any benefit, if I feel disconnected from the conversation, or if I am just straight up not having a good time, I will not be afraid to leave. My own happiness is just as important as other peoples and I need to start doing what is best for me. Because if I don't, I will burnout quickly.
Saturday Afternoon
On Saturday I face-timed my dad (who is over 30 years sober himself). He told me that when he stopped drinking, he stopped going out altogether. When I asked why, he said, "Because I never went out to be social, I went out to drink and get drunk." In that moment I realized that I was the exact same way.
6. I never went out to be social, I went out to get drunk.
I don't know why I never thought of this before. I can remember sitting in class on Thursday evenings, just waiting to be let out so that I could go home and start drinking with my roommates. I was always in such a good mood on Thursdays, not because I was excited to socialize with people over the weekend, but because I was excited to get drunk over the weekend.
Now that I have removed the one aspect of going out that was fun for me, it makes complete sense why I do not have the desire to go.
I guess this realization sort of ties this whole blog post together. Before this weekend, I felt stuck. I didn't want to feel like I was wasting my senior year, but I also felt no desire to go out either. This weekend was just what I needed to convince me that I'm doing the right thing.
Sobriety, especially in college, can be tough. Every day we are bombarded with images of how fun and cool drinking is. It's easy to feel disconnected when it seems like you're the only one in your circle who doesn't find it fun or cool anymore.
If you feel stuck, you're not alone. I encourage you to take a step back and reflect on the reasons why you are deciding to give up alcohol in the first place. Sometimes all you need is little reminders from family or friends who have been through it to ignite that motivation in your soul again. I hope that this post was one way I could do that for you. xx