My First Relapse: What Happened, How I Recovered, and How to Support A Friend Who's Relapsed

I actually thought I'd be able to do it. I fully believed that I would be able to stop after two beers. I even remember thinking, "What am I going to write about in my blog now?" because I was convinced I'd have my drinking under control and that I wouldn't need to be sober anymore. And then, after 35 days of sobriety, two beers at a brewery turned into chugging a bottle of vodka secretly in my room while my friends ordered pizza downstairs.

The Weeks Before

For the weeks leading up to this moment that I drank, I was irritable and angry. I would walk home from class and scowl at my peers playing beer die on their front lawns, convinced they were intentionally drinking in front of me just to make me mad. My first 35 days of sobriety were nothing like the sobriety I'm currently experiencing now. I felt so sad and alone. My friends would go out to the bars and I stayed in to avoid the temptation, which resulted in a night full of overthinking and shameful self-talk. I was angry with myself and at the world 100% of the time.

I went to my therapy appointments with my head down and my hood up, trying my best to hide as I walked into my school's counseling center. But tell me this...if I didn't want to be seen, why did I choose to walk through the busy front door, rather than the private one in the back? I think deep down I wanted to be noticed. Secretly, I wanted someone to reach out and ask if I was okay.

For 35 days, I watched my friends have fun without me. I began to wonder if I was truly happier sober. This belief allowed me to convince myself that I had changed and that I would be able to handle a few drinks. It's what led me to order those two beers at the brewery with my friends.

That day, the instant I started feeling a little buzzed, I knew that nothing had changed. My mind became consumed with thoughts about where my next drink was going to come from and how I could enhance this “tipsy” feeling. 35 days without alcohol may seem like a long time to you (and it definitely felt like it to me), but the reality is that it was nowhere near enough time to change my addictive brain. No matter how badly I wanted to stop at those two beers, I physically could not.

The Weeks After

The following weeks after my slip up were a blur. I was so shameful and angry that I had let all my hard work go down the drain. To combat this anger and shame, I said "fuck it" and I drank. I spiraled downward into a full-blown relapse. It was like I had tunnel vision and the only thing on my mind was alcohol.

No matter how many things my boyfriend offered to do with me to try and distract me from my thoughts, I was determined to drink. I lied to him in order to sneak away and drink on St. Patrick's Day. I brought a bottle of wine to a study session, and took frequent bathroom breaks to sneak sips of it. And on March 19th, 2020 (the last time that I drank), I showed up drunk to my last final of winter quarter.

My first relapse was unique in the sense that when it happened, no one even knew that I had made the decision to be sober. Because of this, it was easy to hide the fact that I was relapsing. I could drink with friends without them knowing that with each sip I took, I was sinking further and further from my goal.

Getting Sober Again

I'm not exactly sure what made me commit to being sober again after my two-week-long downward spiral. Maybe it was the sobering realization that I was lucky to not have completely failed my drunken final. Or maybe it was because my relationship was in jeopardy and I was given an ultimatum, "commit to getting sober again or I can't do this anymore."

I couldn't risk losing the only person who had helped me through my alcohol abuse for so many months. I needed to try again. And let me tell you, getting back on the sober train was hard. At the beginning of quarantine, all I wanted to do was drink. I mean, there was nothing else to do! To avoid these cravings and the temptation of drinking, I GOT BUSY. I became consistent with my workouts, started cooking elaborate meals, binged New Girl for the second time, and I poured my heart and soul into creating this blog.

How I Was Supported

I tell this story to shine light on what one experience of relapse looks like. Everyone is different and no one relapse looks the same. I want this story to serve as a reminder to reach out and check on your friends. It may seem like they do not want your help, but showing that you care can go a long way. Trust me, when my roommate first sat me down and said the words, "are you okay?", it was like the dam holding back my emotions had broken. I spilled my story to her, and it felt so good to be heard. It didn’t matter if she wasn’t sure what to say back. The most important thing for me was that my struggles were being acknowledged by someone other than myself.

If you have a friend, family member, or significant other going through a relapse or that you notice may be having problems with their drinking, offer to do a sober streak with them. There are so many fun, alcohol-free activities that you two could do together. Go for walks, watch movies, cook meals together, go to the beach. Distraction is the best way to get your mind off of the fact that you're not drinking. My boyfriend chose not to drink when I was getting sober again, and the accountability and encouragement I felt from that was so helpful.

On the flip side, if you are sober and you end up drinking, please remember: even if you make it 35 days and then drink, that is still 35 days you went without alcohol. My therapist always made sure to reiterate that every day sober is a win. So what if you slip up? Acknowledge it. Be angry about it if you want. Journal your heart out. Then, get back to it, because one day, sobriety will stick and it will stick for good.