Getting Sober in College: My Story

I’ve never been someone that gets upset easily, especially not over little things. But today, I am struggling to hold back tears, fuming as I watch a mother and daughter cut in front of me in line at a nail salon...

It is a beautiful, sunny Saturday in San Luis Obispo.I naturally woke up around 7:00am, like usual, but forced myself to try andsleep in longer because I have no plans today, nothing on my agenda. This makesme very uncomfortable.

I decided to treat myself to a manicure because today, I am celebrating one month of sobriety…well, “celebrating” might not be the right word for it. I am still in sobriety’s early stages and I have not quite yet figured out what I enjoy doing that doesn’t involve alcohol. That sounds sad, but it’s the truth. Before I made the decision to quit drinking, a sunny day with no plans almost always meant drinking at a day party or going to happy hour at a trendy restaurant. Without question, all my weekends involved getting fucked up with my friends in some form or another. These days, my weekends without alcohol leave me feeling lost and lonely.

I squeeze my eyes shut to avoid crying in front of thesweet man who has finally showed up to give me my pink gel manicure.

I know these feelings of loneliness won’t last forever. I know that I'll soon find activities that bring me as much joy as alcohol once did, but I’m not gonna lie…this transition has been fucking hard. Sobriety can be very lonely, especially at this age when you live in a college town surrounded by people whose main idea of fun is getting drunk. It gets even more lonely when you avoid going out with friends to try and avoid the temptation, and you're ashamed to tell them it’s because you aren’t drinking anymore.

You might have heard that many people who quit drinking decide to do it because they've hit "rock bottom". They've ended up in jail, cheated on their spouse, or lost their job, etc. Thankfully, I have not done anything yet that has severely impacted my life or my future, and I know that it would be so much easier for me to continue drinking with my peers and put off worrying about getting help until after college. This is the mindset I was stuck in for a while, but I've realized that if I keep waiting to get sober until I am ready or until the "right time", I'll be waiting for the rest of my life.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have not become one of those people who thinks alcohol is the Devil’s Juice and that no one should be drinking it. I love alcohol! I think it's a great thing that can make people have a great time! I have just come to realize that alcohol doesn’t love me back, and for that reason, alcohol and I must break up. I also have nothing against my college peers and friends who drink. In fact, I am jealous of them. I envy them. I envy the people who can enjoy a drink at happy hour and are able to stop after just one or two. I envy the people who can get drunk and know when they’ve had enough. I envy the people who can drink and still live their happy, productive lives. But the thing is…that was never me.

High School

Growing up, my parents often told my sister and I to be cautious if we decided to start drinking, because alcoholism runs in our family. My dad had his own troubles with alcohol and has been sober since before he met my mom.

Like a lot of people, I started drinking in high school. My friends and I typically drank every weekend whether it be at football games, homecoming, or house parties and if I’m being honest…I don’t remember much of it. No one has ever said this to my face, but I knew that I had a reputation for being the girl who couldn’t handle her alcohol, who blacked out a lot, and who was an all-around DAB (Drunk Ass Bitch). I mean I had done everything from throwing up in the center console of a friend’s car to pushing my best friend down a flight of stairs. I became another person when I was drunk and gained alter ego named Victoria, who turned violent and vicious when she had too much to drink.

College, Freshman Year

I was looking forward to college because it was going to give me a chance to start over! I would meet a ton of people who had no idea about my drinking past, and I would NOT be a DAB anymore…or so I thought. Freshman year brought more blackouts than I could even count…and a lot of peeing. For some reason, peeing my bed was something I picked up in college.

I’ll avoid going into any more details, because I want to hold onto some shreds of my dignity lol.

Sophomore Year

Sophomore year I moved into a house off campus, where there were no RA’s monitoring us. We could have alcohol wherever and whenever we wanted. This is where my drinking really started to take a scary turn...

I knew my drinking was really starting to get out of control when I fell into a cycle of drinking excessively at parties, followed by waking up the next morning with the overwhelming urge to take a pull of whatever alcohol was left out on the tables from the night before. When I first started doing this, I blamed it on the fact that I wanted to avoid a hangover. I soon came to realize that I was doing this to avoid my inevitable feelings of shame and guilt over my out-of-control drinking that had occurred the night before. After taking the initial swig, there would be many days where I’d continue sneaking alcohol throughout the day just to keep the buzz going. It was getting to the point where one night of drinking would often turn into a three-day bender. None of my homework would get done, and I started skipping class and work.

I can’t even count the amount of times throughout high school and college that I promised myself and my friends that I was going to start moderating my drinking, and that I was going to get this under control. It got to the point where I had a difficult time believing it myself.

In the beginning, I would lie to myself and blame my blackouts on being a "lightweight". I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my drinking habits in high school and college, but I often brushed off the idea that I may have a problem because “this is what everyone my age is doing”.

But I was wrong. Not everyone my age was sneakingextra shots at the pregame. Not everyone was scanning the happy hour menulooking for the drink that contained the most alcohol. And not everyone waswaking up and taking pulls of vodka in the morning.

Looking back, the promises that I made to myself and my friends always involved “moderating” my drinking, but never quitting. I mean, how could I quit drinking alcohol when I wasn’t even of legal age to drink?!

Junior Year

I turned 21 last September, the beginning of my junior year of college. I guess it is sort of ironic that the year I turned 21 was the year I decided to quit drinking. After spending a few months going to bars and realizing that becoming legal made no difference in my destructive drinking habits, I finally started seeing a therapist at Cal Poly. And damn, that was hard... I cried through the entire first session, mostly because I was in disbelief that it had finally come to this. After trying several times with the help of a therapist to moderate my drinking only to see the same result, I decided it was time to quit all together.

I am freshly into my new sober lifestyle and let me tell you, it has been DIFFICULT. However, it has also been extremely rewarding. I wanted to start this blog to keep myself accountable, but also to help others who might be going through something similar. I remember frantically searching “quitting drinking at age 21!?” desperately wanting to find someone to relate to, but these searches never gave me what I needed.

I want this blog to be a resource for people who might be exploring the idea of sobriety or moderation, whether it be at age 21 or not! I want to shine light on the fact that sobriety can be extremely rewarding.

There are nights where I feel just fine staying in while all my friends go out. There are nights that I go out and soberly dance with my friends, and still have a great time! But there are also nights when I find myself dead sober in the middle of a bar thinking, “what’s this all for?” or “one drink won’t hurt”. In these moments I must remind myself that one drink has never been enough for me. I remember all the times I have woken up, trying to piece together the night before, overwhelmed with shame and guilt. I remember the awful hangovers, causing me to fall behind in school.

When I remember these things, the benefits of staying sober overshadow the short-lived satisfaction of drinking. When I think “what is this is all for?”, I remind myself that… IT’S FUN NOT TO FEEL LIKE SHIT!

Watch my YouTube video on my story here.