Finding the Fun in Sobriety

For the past few years, I've been doing this thing where when a thought pops into my head, like a blog post idea or little thing I want to remember, I'll quickly jot it down in the Notes app on my phone so that I don't forget about it later. My phone is filled with hundreds of these. There is one note in particular that has been sitting in my phone for a few weeks now, typed in all caps with a lot of words misspelled. I remember the night I wrote it, feeling like my fingers couldn't keep up with my racing thoughts. The note starts out like this, "I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND LIKE I'M HAVING FUN I'M NOT GONNA PRETEND TO BE THAT GIRL THAT CAN STILL DO EVERYTHING I USED TO...yada yada yada."

Let me break this thought down for you.

People who do not drink in today's society are often stigmatized, and viewed as boring, unhappy, and lifeless. Being someone who has always cared about what others thought of me, I was determined when I began my sobriety journey to not fall under this stigma umbrella. Once I was comfortable with attending events involving alcohol again, I wanted to prove to people that I could still be fun and exciting without drinking. This resulted in forcing myself to attend all of the same things that I had in the past before I got sober. I would go out to bars, house parties, and happy hour. Basically, I would spend a lot of my free time watching my friends get hammered.

I remember the night I wrote that note in my phone very vividly. It was a Friday, and I had just spent the week grinding, finishing two presentations and two essays for my various online Zoom classes. That night, I was looking forward to letting off some steam from the stressful week and doing something fun. A little while later, I found myself sitting in my friend's living room, watching a group of people play "King's Cup". Obviously, I wasn't partaking in the drinking part, so I just sort of sat there, trying my best to laugh at whatever they thought was funny in their drunken states. And then it hit me. What am I doing here? I told my friends I needed to go, and walked home, typing ferociously in my Notes app.

I had spent so much time the past few months trying to fit in and prove to my friends that I could still partake in all the same activities that I used to before I got sober. As I walked home that night, I came to the sad realization that I couldn't really remember the last time I truly had fun. You know, the kind of fun where you don't feel anything except for a bright spark of joy and sheer anticipation of the activity you're about to embark on. The kind of fun where you completely forget about feeling self-conscious, over-anxious, or stressed out. It wasn't fun for me to sit around and watch my friends get hammered, I was only pretending that it was.

I decided that night that I was no longer going to try and conform to be the person that I thought my friends wanted me to be. And if I'm being honest, the person I thought they wanted me to be was just someone I had made up in my head. In reality, my friends knew what I was going through and they would understand if I didn't want to partake in certain activities. I wasn't giving them the credit they deserved when I made up these false beliefs about what I thought they wanted out of me.

Getting sober was a huge change in my life, a change for the better. Doesn't it only make sense that the things I find fun now are allowed to change too?

Before I quit drinking, I found it difficult to get excited about anything where booze wasn't part of the occasion. I fully believed that alcohol was the answer to enhancing any experience. Going to the beach was fun, but going to the beach with a bag full of White Claws was even better.

I believe that this is one of the reasons I put off getting sober for so long. I had convinced myself that a sober life would be a boring life. I thought that alcohol was enhancing my experiences, but I now know that it had the exact opposite effect.

Without alcohol, I have noticed that I can fully immerse myself in everything I do. I no longer focus on where my next drink will come from, how much I'm drinking, or any of my insecurities that came along with drinking. I can be fully present in my everyday life and in my conversations with my friends, and to me, THAT is the fun part.

I find joy and excitement in everyday events. I experience the same giddy, child-like excitement to go on a sunset walk as I once only experienced before a night of drinking. It wasn't until I read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace that I began to understand why this was happening. "Over time, the artificial stimulation your brain receives from drinking makes you neurologically unable to experience the pleasure you once did from everyday activities such as seeing a friend, reading a book, or even having sex" the book explains. It isn't until you stop drinking, and your brain begins to heal itself, that you can begin to feel pleasure again from all of the things you once did before you were consumed by alcohol.

These days, I am so excited to wake up every morning and experience life! It is truly a complete 180 from a few months ago, when I would wake up feeling hungover, shameful, and full of anxiety.

It takes time for your brain to heal itself of the damage, but once it does, I promise that you too will find joy in the little things that you often disregard. Don't give up hope if this doesn't happen right away, sobriety is a process and one of the fun parts is noticing these changes over time.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still hang out with my friends and attend events where everyone else is drinking, but now I make sure to only attend the things that I truly want to go to. I don't force myself anymore to go to anything that I don't think I will enjoy, especially events where getting drunk is the only activity. I'll happily go to dinner with my friends where they are all drinking, but I'll pass on the neighbor's invite to beer Olympics. Make sense? Obviously this is a personal choice, and you can do whatever the fuck you want and feel comfortable with. Just make sure you are doing these things for the right reasons, and not because you feel pressured to be there. It is important, especially in the beginning of your sobriety journey, to take as much time as you need by yourself.

And if you ever feel left out when all your friends are drinking, I'll leave you with one thing to think about...if you can't remember it, then how can it be fun?